| |
English is fun 
Kids are quick
Little Tommy
Do You Know Who I AM?
A Deer
Two Nuns
Body Language
What’s a Mistake!
Where Is Mom & Dad?
Poor Salesman
What’s a High Tech!
What’s now!
The Three Visitors
Honeymoon Couple
Where the money goes!
English is fun
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic
English conversation training before he visited Washington and met president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori: 'Prime Minister, when you shake
hand with President Clinton, please say **'how are you'**.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, ' I am fine, and you?'*
* Now you should say **'me too'**.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.'
...............................................................................
* It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said '**Who are you**?'. *
* Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to
react with humour:
'Well, I am Hillary's husband, ha..ha..ha..'*
* Then Mori replied confidently '**Me too**, ha..ha..ha..'
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.*
Kids are quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
___________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
___________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:
H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
___________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten
years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
___________________
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Little Tommy
A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Do You Know Who I AM?
One working day at the Automobile Company, there is a new company recruit in the maintenance Dept. He really feels lazy lately. One morning he dialed the number of the cafeteria, but got the wrong number.
When someone picked the phone The new recruit man said, "I don't feel like working today. Can you send up a cup of coffee and a muffin, then I'll just want to sit around and read the paper?
The new recruit man asks: "Do you know whom you are talking to?"
The Director said: " No."
The new recruit man reply: "You are talking to the director of this company!"
The Director said: "And do you know whom you are talking to?
The new recruit man reply: " No."
The director replied. "Good."
And he put the phone down.
A Deer
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?" "You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." .
His daughter screams... "Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an asshole!
Two Nuns
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are walking home, but still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight-and-a-half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this late he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this late he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decides to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my dress.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!
(And those of you who thought it would be dirty, better pray for the forgiveness.) Ha..Ha..Ha!
Body Language
An Asian lady married a Briton and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know that to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted !
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...
(please page down)
Question: What were you thinking?
She only wanted to ask her husband to buy sausages for her.
The butcher might be disappointed this time as much as you, the audience.
What’s a Mistake!
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES
IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E.LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT." TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DARN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. 'HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE SARAH LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
Where Is Mom & Dad?
One day, a little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, Where’s Mom and Dad? and she replied “Well! They’re up in bed, so the
little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, Where’s Mom and Dad?
and she replied “They’re still up in bed” and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma
Where’s Mom and Dad? And his grandmother replied, “They’re still up in bed.” and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked “What happens to you every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?
And the little boy replied, “Well last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him Super Glue.
Poor Salesman
The door-to door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door , and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse-shit all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse-shit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She says, " You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
:o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o)
What’s a High Tech!
One day, Ken complained to his friend, " My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, " Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer stated making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together, some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter, to top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
"Your tap water is too hard get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
And your wife is pregnant, twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, you're never going to fix that tennis elbow."
:o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o)
What’s
now!
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up
behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying
pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago
when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on."
She is appeased and goes off to work around
the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting
in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?"
She answered, "Your horse just called."
The
Three Visitors
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards
sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them.
She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please
come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she said. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in.
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she wanted to know.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said
pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one,
"He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now
go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your
home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since
that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our
home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house.
She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better
to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let
us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his
wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you
is Love? Please come in and be our guest." Love got up and started
walking toward the house.
The other 2 also got up and followed him.
Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited
Love, why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success,
the other two of us would've stayed out, but you invited Love, wherever
He goes, we go. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
MY WISH FOR YOU...
Where there is pain, I wish peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubting,
I wish renewed confidence. Where there is exhaustion, I wish understanding,
patience, and renewed strength. Where there is fear, I wish love and
courage. You have two choices right now:
1. Delete this, or...
2. Invite love by sharing this story with all the people you care
about.
I hope you choose #2. I did.
Peace to you my friend
Honeymoon
Couple
John and Marry have been boyfriend and girlfriend for almost 3 years.
It's time for them to share their lives and set up their warm family.
During the Christmas Eve, there is a wedding party for this lovely
couple. All their families and friends come to fulfill the biggest
church in town. Lots of flowers, wedding cake and candies are well
prepared for all their guests. Marry and John plan to travel on their
honeymoon right after the wedding party. The wedding party finishes
around 9 o'clock at night. They both pack and drive a convertible
car on the way to the beaches. Because it is the Christmas Eve, they
cannot find any hotel along the beaches. Tenth and eleventh …They're
all booked up. They both get so exhausted. John see the last hotel
at the end of the beach, there is a big smile on their faces. They
hope that they can find one regular room just for tonight. Yah...The
reception lady behind the counter gives a big smile
and say: May I help you, Sir?
John: Yes please, we are very tired and need a double bedroom for
tonight.
Reception: Well! You are very luck, Sir. We have the last one left
for you, but it's on the 21th floor.
John: That's good enough. We take it.
Reception: Sir, I am sorry to tell you that the elevator is out of
order since this evening.I will have it fixed tomorrow morning.
John looks at Marry's face. She nods her head.
John: Never mind. We can take the stairs.
John turns to marry and say:
John: Marry, I think it a good idea if I tell a joke one floor and
you tell another. Then it won't be that bad.
Marry agrees. John starts his first joke for the first floor. Then
Marry tells a joke on the second floor.
Both of them seems very
happy and laugh while they are going up floor after floor until the
19th floor. It's John's turn. John says I have no more
jokes to tell you. Why don't we tell about sad stories instead. Marry
agrees. John says "Let me start."
John: I have never been sorry like this before.
Marry: What is that? And why do you look so sad?
John: I forgot the room key at the reception counter.
Marry: Oh No!
John: Oh Yah!
Where
the money goes!
There are 3 young men who are close friends in the college. During
the Ester Break, they decide to travel together somewhere in the south.
Florida is their destination. They can get good deals on the air ticket,
car rent and hotel. Wow! It seems really good vacation for them.
After they arrive at Orlando Airport, they go to pick up the rented
car near by the airport. They go straightforward to the hotel that
they already make reservation. They stop at the reception and request
for the room for three people. The reception tells them a student
rate of US$ 30.00 per night. American share style, each of them gives
ten dollars bill to the reception. Then they go up to unpack their
bags at the room. 5 minutes later, somebody nocks the door. Oh! The
bellboy?
The bellboy: Sir. The reception wants to give you back US$ 5 dollars
for the special discount.
Three men: Thanks.
One of them takes the money. Give 1 dollar back to each of them. He
has US$ 2 left. He decides to give the bellboy for the tips.
Question: Each of the three gives 10 bucks for the room, then take
1 buck back for the discount. That means each pays 9 dollars times
3 people. They all pay $27 together. They also give away $2.00 to
the bellboy for tips. Where does $ 1 go?
Good Luck !
|